i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
