i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
