mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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