I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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