i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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