I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
