Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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