you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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