if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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