my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
