I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
