remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
