I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize