I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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