My Higher Power is John Stamos
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
