While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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