I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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