im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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