I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
