I think I won the penis lottery.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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