I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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