and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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