Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
