I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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