God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
