Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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