I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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