your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
