She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's shark week go big or go home
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
