No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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