I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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