she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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