May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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