Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Damn victory sex feels great
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
