Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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