Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
