Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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