i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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