What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
