Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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