I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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