Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
