Porn is love you can see.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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