I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
