Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
