I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
