You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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