I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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