I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
