im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
