I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
