The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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