I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
