I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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