New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
